Elaine Aron - The Highly Senstive Child

Four keys to raising a joyous HSC

HSC usually want to follow the rules, and when they are told they have made a mistake, the process this feedback deeply in order to avoid that mistake in the future. Remember, getting it right the first time is the essence of the survival strategy they have encoded in their genes. p.114

The second reason HSCs are vulnerable to low self-esteem is that why are such harsh self-critics. p.114

Because HSCs process their mistakes so thoroughly, they often need no criticism at all - they punish themselves. p.114

The first (source of self-esteem) is the most important. it is the sense of being loved by one ore more people simply because you exist…But if the feeling is reasonably stable, by adulthood, you can carry that sense through your entire life. There is also social self-esteem, physical self-esteem p.115

HSB as Natural "Internalizers" - When alone, with no risk of any external punishment, they (HSCs) were significantly less likely to do things their parents had told them no to do. She suspected that this was partly due to their tedency to avoid risking criticism or punishment, but also their greater ability to notice what is happening, reflect, and inhibit their behavior. p.121

On How to correct an HSC, p.132-134

1. Consider the state of arousal of your child and yourself. Calm yourself before you calm the child.
2. Listen and emphathize.
3. Restate your standards and your reason for them.
4. Decide whether there should be further consequences.
5. State what your child can do in the future.

Things to Avoid when disciplining, p.140

1. Stay out of the heat of the fight (calm yourself down first)
2. Do not threaten to withdraw love
3. Do not make global, irreversible threats
4. Do not make threats of, or actually use, emotiional or physical violence.
5. Do not give HSCs gobal instructions
6. Do not bring up temperament during conflicts (focus on the issue and behaviour)
7. Do not let your HSC use his sensitivity as a way to manipulate others.

How to discuss sensentivity with your child

• Be clear that your child is not alone in being highly senstivite, that many others are, too.

School-age HSCs at home

• Daily practices: With younger school-age children you can houve routines, rules and rewards that help form good habits. p.230
• Fighting: stick to the current conflict
• Holidays: Require no more than a polite "hello" from your HSC
• Moving: I wish certain HSCs did not ever have to move.
• Anxiety, depression: Most of what doctors know about any medication comes from the companies that manufacture them, and those who manufacture medications to handle childhood behavior problems are seeing a large market unfolding.

Avoiding or reducing stress, short-term, p.241

• Make the protection of your HSC's sleep a top priority
• Bring in the familiar, especially during an unusual event. Maintain your routines, bring out familiar toys, play the usual games, go back to places that are old favorites.
• Reduce decisions - the sense of control over some aspects of her life can be just what she needs.

Avoiding or reducing stress, long-term, p.242

• Let things be routine, habitual or preplanned for both you and your child. This reduces decisions and surprises (there will still be plenty).
• Keep nature at the center of your life.
• When you cannot prevent a major stress happening to your child, try to embrace it.

Managing the moods of the drama queens and the tough rebels, p.245

It is also my impression that if they go through a time of seeing a parent emotionally out of control, this affects them in certain ways more than other HSCs.

Applying what you have learned, p.248

Try not to resort to rewards or incentives, except token rewards like stars or blue ribbons that make success more tangible.

School-age HSCs out in the world

Your child is trying to be perfect while the body is in a far from perfect state. p.252

Social life and shyness

Shyness for children before ages seven to ten is not a major or lasting problem. But after ten years it tends to lead to low self-esteem, loneliness, and anxiety. p.255

Friendships often form more easily one-on-one, away from other children and all the playground politics. Select a child who is the same age, and, if possible, going to the same school, so they can be in the same class next year if their friendship blossoms. p.256

Keep in mind that even though our society favors children who are socially confident, bold, adventuresome, outgoing, and all the rest, you do have a choice about how much to press your child to develop in these idealized directions...however, every artist, theologian, mystic, philosopher, scientist, or depth psychologies needs to get along with people and be ready to go out and speak to strangers about his or her insights.

Now some tips on raising a relatively bold, socially accepted HSC, p.262

• Expose your child to all kinds of experiences.
• Place your child in ateaching or "Star" role.

Other ways to promote social skills, p.265

• Encourage your child to look people in the eye.
• Point out progress.

What you can ask teachers to do, p.267

The more you mention the teacher's goals - that your child learn the material - the more you will be heard. The teachers I interviewed thought you should feel free to give your child's teachs the "Tips for Teachers" at the end of this book - or give them the entire book.

Other pointers for keeping school HSC-friendly, p.268

Remeber that riding a school bus can be particularly difficult for HSCs.